Home CEWAP Mark Thomas 18:30 Club GM Food Car Cats Links		Christmas 2000
		14th December 2000 - Another Annual train Christmas dinner, this year with the added bonus of (a) a venue seriously in danger of being flooded (The Willow in Winchester, complete with sandbags at the door), (b) the 72nd SWT Academy Awards and (c) the wig!.  Click on each photo for a bigger version.

The Pics

The Awards Ceremony In Full

Introduction (Jeff): Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 72nd Annual SWT Academy Awards. Our hostess this evening, fresh from her triumph in the Blair Witch Project II, is the ever gorgeous, Ms Jacqueline Radford-Byford. And with many thanks to our special effects department, so those of you with posh TVs don't miss out, here she is again in wide screen. (Helen Appears). Jacks: Good evening. It's a pleasure to be here and a great honour to be able to present these awards. I'd also like you to welcome our glamorous assistant, Mr. Richard Butler, who thankfully isn't wearing the leotard and tights. Helen: It's lovely to see so many of you here tonight. We've received a few apologies for absence: from Big Tash, who's had to stay in and polish his rod from Jim, who's in America at the moment, filming the remake of Scum from Bridget, who's busy filming the sequel to The Man Who Knew Too Much - The Woman Who Talked Too Much and from a couple of our friends who've decided to go into the horror movie business - Sharon, alongside Freddie Kruger in Nightmare on Fleet Street and Phil, who's gone for violent gardening in the Warsash Chain Saw Massacre Now on to the awards... Jacks: We start off tonight with the award for Most Promising Newcomer. The nominations are: Little Kate, as the lethal handbag wielding heroine of Mad Max 16 Martin - for how he has made us all believe that he is - Stressed Martin Jonny, as the legless marketing executive in Reach for the Sky Last Minute Mark.com for the performance we all had to wait for in Beep Beep Beep - Sliding Doors Helen: And the winner is... Little Kate. Jacks: The second award is a new category we had to add, because there were so many fine performances to consider. The award is for Best Performance by a Stuntman. Some of the contenders were: Sparky, for his electric performance by the live rail in Notting Hill Gate (interruption - No, it was Embankment) and for his innovative use of an ambulance as the most original way to arrive at Waterloo GT in The Invisible Man, for managing to disappear between the train and platform at Waterloo. Only GT could fall down a six inch gap by walking sideways at high speed. (However industry sources have told us that us that this feat was recently reproduced by Theresa Judge, who also headbutted the 20:30 on Tuesday!) Helen: But the final nominees are: Brian Gorton, for his amazing stunt work in Honey, I Headbutted the Chest of Drawers. Who can forget the raw emotion as he delivered the immortal line "I really love you" Richard Butler, for making us believe that a car can fly in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Also many thanks to Rich for his much enjoyed contribution to Halloween Theresa Judge, for her experimental work with horseradish and explosives in Gone With The Wind Jacks: And the winner is... Brian Gorton. Helen: The next award is for Best Supporting Actress. A special mention for: the Trolley Dollies for their work in Some Like It Hot, Some Like It With Milk and Some Like It With Two Sugars Jacks: The nominations are: One Can Kate and her never ending supply of jokes in You've Got Mail Sally Hake, Jill Smith and Nicky Butler for their spirited portrayals of deserted wives in Home Alone the Underwear Section at Marks and Sparks for the provision of underwear strong enough to support Debs in Any Which Way But Loose Marion Moon for her excellent performance as the long-suffering friend and confidante in the epic saga When Steve Met Terry Helen: And the winner is: The Underwear Section at Marks and Sparks. Jacks: Now for Best Supporting Actor. Special mention must be made of: Brian Souter and South West trains and their technical wizardry with doors for their contribution in turning three Fridays into both The Longest Day and Long Day's Journey into Night Helen: The nominations are: John Nicholls, as Papa in The Smurfs and the Magic Flute John the Bank in Rogue Trader, as the man so desperate to get his giro, he broke the bank Bill for his role in supporting Andy from the 5.45 on a Friday night in Whiskey Galore Neil Sharman as the dodgy cigarette smuggler in the French Connection. The fake moustache was so preposterous, it has gone on to have a career of its own, starring in Gremlins. Whatever you do, don't try chucking water at him - it would be horrible if that moustache were allowed to breed. Jacks: And the winner is: Neil Sharman. Helen: We move on now to the award for Best Actress. Highly recommended for this award, but not making the final list were: Angela, for her splendid performance in Down and Out in the Car Park Angela again, for her unbelievable Little Voice And Angela for all the enjoyment she gave us watching her in Good Will Hunting Jacks: The nominations are: Theresa Judge, for her wonderful portrayal of a drunk in Nightmare before Christmas. Who can forget the way she stumbled through her flat to discover all her clothes hanging from the lampshade, the butter all over her kitchen and the Christmas tree lying in the bath. Beryl Bridgman, for her role in The Hustler. Her performance is so professional that you would really believe she isn't bluffing and honestly doesn't know how to play Bridge or Poker. But we'd like to share her secret with you tonight - the reason she can never find anything in her handbag is because everything is buried under piles of ten and twenty pence pieces. And the final nomination is Suki Humby, who overcame her disappointment at missing the audition for While you were Sleeping (by three days) and went on to a triumphant performance in For Whom the Bells Pour Helen: And the winner is: Theresa (for making the best film ever!). Jacks: Now we come to the award for Best Actor. The highly recommended actors who were considered, but didn't make the shortlist were: Mike 'Country Boy' Greaves for his role in The American Patient Mark Smith for adding the sparkle to Diamonds are Forever Helen: The nominations are: Jeff Jenkins, for his spirited performance in Trainspotting. He worked tirelessly in this film, running from platform 14, mobile phone in hand, trying to locate the 6.30. The moment when he pinned the guard to the train and cried "Tell me if this is the 6.30 or I'll tell Theresa where you live" was a cinematic triumph. Peter Byford for his magnificent portrayal as the terrified bridegroom in the wonderful Australian comedy Muriel's - whoops sorry - Jacqueline's Wedding. His performance was so sincere, that if you didn't know there was a make-up crew to hand, you would really believe he could be that pale. And the final nomination is Max Hake for his dedicated and extensive research for the film he also directed: The Beer Hunter Jacks: And the winner is: Max Hake. Helen: And finally, we move on to the Academy's Lifetime Achievement Award. The award goes tonight to someone who has dedicated her life to the service of commuting. When the Academy members were asked who should receive this award, this lady won by a landslide. Flushed with success after her opening bid for fame in The Queen of Spades which played to full houses and went on for run after run, she gave cameo performances in Driving Miss Beryl, Murder on the American Express and Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, culminating in her heart rending performance in Steel Magnolias. Even when disaster beckoned and it looked as though her career might be relegated to the lower divisions, she took a supporting role in The Saint. Refusing to stand on the touchline, she kicked off the second half of her career by moving to TV. She scored a triumph in Right Up Pompeii, played the whistleblower in the Dream Team and worked alongside Del Boy in Only Fouls and Passes. And who can forget her return to film, playing the duchess in Men in Black, waving her pearls and singing 'The referee's atrocious' One of this actress's finest moments was in Groundhog Day, when the poor woman has to live through the same sequence again and again and again. She gets up in the morning, gets on the train and finds Neil there. She leaves work, gets on the train and finds Neil there. She gets up in the morning, gets on the train and yes, of course, Neil's there. As you watch her go through this interminable suffering - day in and day out, your heart goes out to her. So I am very proud to announce that this year's lifetime achievement award goes to Her Grace The Duchess. Thank you all very much for being here and have a Happy Christmas.